Third card for this epopee. Let me tell you about the time I realised I needed to put some order. In my life (I can be really really
messy creative when I am into something), but most of all in my thoughts.
I am thoughtful. Literally. Full of thoughts….
Thing is, it used to bring me down. Because most of them were in fact not really genuine thoughts, but reactions. To what was expected from me, to what I « needed » to achieve and hadn’t already…. To inner and outer pressure. And I didn’t like it…. at all.
Thing is, we are a social species…. so we are subjects to those outer pressure… social, physical, philosophical even, norms. Thing is, I am note really sensitive to norms…. I don’t really understand them. Well, not those who tend to ostracize a group of person just because they are who they are… I am not good with boxes and blending…. I don’t like the things or ideas that aim to deny ourselves just to fit into a group…. not my thing… I never understood (accepted?) it.
I explain it by the fact that life threw me into situations that were incompatible with this mainstream way of life…. it wasn’t my path, probably… I don’t know, and it really doesn’t matter, actually.
I had to face judgment a lot in my life. From people who had no idea of what I was living. But who were prompt to judge me from their boxes… At first, it hurt. A lot. It was heavy to just realize that my life had nothing to do with their expectations but that they were too self-righteous to even consider it this way. I had to find a way to go on without feeling that bad about myself. Because clearly, when all you hear is negative judgment (and concerning the situation I am thinking about, they couldn’t be wronger), you start to feel bad, and then you think they may have right to some point, and you end thinking you are a failure and that they were right from the beginning. Really? Nope, I couldn’t go on like this.
So, what did I do? Thoughts boot camp. My own version of it.
First I had to distinguish my own thoughts from acquired reactions. What was really my thoughts, and what was this little voice telling me how wrong I am to be/do/act/think like this? So I took my most reliable sword, and I cut myself from outer judgment. I even gave a name to my sword: « IDon’tCare ». It came with a beautiful shield too, « IDon’tMind ».
Then, I learned to listen to my gut feeling, to be in harmony with what I felt. And it worked. Sometimes, I looked for guidance, and then opened myself to other people opinion, but really, during that time, I just closed myself to anything that didn’t come from within. To establish a ground from which I could grow, and built myself.
I cut myself from anything that could influence me. I didn’t watch tv anymore, I didn’t watch news anymore, I didn’t care about fashion or trend or anything like that, I surrounded myself with people who were genuine and open minded. No more outer pressure.
And my whole life changed. Or the way I saw it changed. I stopped focusing on what was missing or broken (said some people I don’t know and who don’t know me…. ridiculous, isn’t it?). I started focusing on what was beautiful and brought me happiness, on what I loved, on what I enjoyed. And I built myself back from that.
Boot camp went on with this simple exercise: each time a negative thought came to me, I trained to have 3 positive thoughts. Not that easy at first. You really learn to see things on different perspective. And you grow, strong and high. I cleaned my mind from all this clutter that was negativity, judgment, norms. I freed myself from the social, trendy, philosophical shackles that made me feel breathless, that prevented my growth, in any realm of my life.
And it manifested ‘for real’. I felt proud of my curvy, winter geared silhouette, I braided my gray hair with pride (it is the visible sign of my invisible crown, after all!), I smiled widely, despite my non perfect teeth (one of my biggest complex, because you HAVE to have perfect white aligned teeth to exist in this world….. really? I don’t care hehe), I looked at my wrinkles as I do with my scars: with pride. I grow, I get older and hopefully wiser. And they are the manifestations of that maturity. I have all the reasons to be proud of them!
And my thought were clearer, brighter, more creative, more open to others too. Just because one day, I decided to claim my life and thoughts back. I act, I don’t react. I am at the initiative of my projects. I don’t define myself in reaction to something or someone. I define myself in being who I am, doing what needs to be done to be that person. I became far stronger. When confronted to judgement, I don’t think « what did I do to make them feel this way about me? ». No. I think « How can I help them feel better about themselves so they don’t feel the need to judge anyone? ». Or, if I think the person is far too deep in the observation of their own belly button to realize that the world doesn’t spin around it, « Just smile, and go back to what you are doing, they will learn eventually, but it’s not time yet, and it’s not your call. » See? Simple, clutter free, and sooooo peaceful.
I built myself as I built my thoughts. On strong foundations:
- everything, everyone can be seen on a different perspective.
- I keep in mind that people who easily judge are the ones in need of reassurance they don’t live in a lie. They will learn, eventually.
- Focus on what makes you feel good about yourself, about life, about anything and everything.
- Be sincere, always, with yourself. If you don’t like something that can be changed, do it. If it can’t, then accept it.
- The only person you will spend your entire life with is yourself. So take care of yourself and enjoy being you!
Enough of my ramblings, here is you card for this week… simple, but drawing it was really meditative.