2019 epopee: card #8. I am OPEN to RECEIVING.

I already was open to new experiences. To act in new ways, to learn, to be. But I realized lately that I was open to something new to me. I was open to receiving.

You see, most of my life, I had to fight. Fight for my values, for my right to be myself, fight for my beliefs, fight to live the way I wanted to live, fight to protect myself, fight to protect my daughter, fight to protect my pupils even… It’s in my veins, it’s in my genes I guess. I am a warrior. I do or say what I need to do or say to protect, to hold, to put in the light. That’s who I am. And I accepted it a long time ago. Of course, it didn’t really make me popular. I didn’t care, and I still don’t, to tell you the truth. I don’t look after this kind of thing. I’d rather be free to be or do what I want to be or do.

This freedom came at a price, that I was fully ready to pay: to relay only on myself. To not expect anything from anyone. To remain strong no matter what. To rely only on myself. Because at the end of the day, I was by myself, dealing with what needed to be dealt with. I did what needed to be done to survive, both physically and mentally. Not an easy path. But fulfilling. And I gained something really important to me: freedom. Freedom to speak my truth, freedom to think outside of the box I was supposed to fit, freedom to be me, without allegiance to any fashion or way of life imposed by anyone.

Thing is, I forgot something on my way to freedom: receiving. I have no problem giving. Giving my time, my friendship, my sight of the world. I also have no problems reaching what I need to learn, to understand, to accept. But I have a real problem when it comes to receive something I didn’t expect or plan. Genuine gifts. I never was taught how to receive. Mainly because I was raised in the idea that you can only get what you need or deserve. Not my parents’ fault I guess, they weren’t taught either how to do…. Nice, huh? Anyway, in my family we deal with this kind of occasion with a lot of shyness… and some really awkward thank you. I was given what I needed to have, when I needed to have it. I worked for it, I proved that I deserved or needed it. And I was fine with this.

So there I was , a strong independent woman, who felt almost ashamed when offered something genuinely…. blushing and all… Because in my mind, here is what is going on: « what made them think I was in need of anything? What do they want in exchange? I don’t see what I can give them… and now I need to give them something. I am in debt. ». Yes, I know, ridiculous. Luckily for me, life gave me some good lessons on that subject. And I’ve learned to accept what was given to me. But I kept seeing it as something I desired or needed…. It was an answer to my desire or my will to grow, to learn and so on… I also felt… weak. What made people think I was in need of anything? What have I done or said that made them think I was lacking of anything? And this idea of owing them something in exchange…

Then I learned to ask. Seriously. Till then, I was in a rather passive position. I walked my path of life, and encountered problems, or questions, then was offered something to solve them, or to help me understand them. And I went on… But it may take a long time before receiving the help needed. So I decided that it would be a good idea to ask. Let me tell you something: this is probably the hardest thing I learned to do. To ask. To put me in a position I saw as a weakness. Stubborn me. Sometimes I just asked out loud, most of the times I asked from within. Asking for help is not that easy. But it brought me so much more than expected. Asking for support was the most gratifying thing I’ve ever done I guess. It went way beyond my expectations. I am so grateful to have done it. Even in my own bashful way. It was really difficult for me to admit that I needed to feel my tribe with me. But the answer to my call exceeded my expectations. They were there, step by step, listening, holding me when needed, cheering and crying. I then learned not to be alone. I received far more than I asked and I hope I can give them back, even if only a small piece of what they gave me. I am happily working on it. What a beautiful lesson!

Now I am ready for something different. I am at a stage of my life when I can allow myself to just receive. And enjoy. I’ve reached balance, inner peace. I know who I am, what I want or not, I don’t need to fight for anything. I am fully aware of my strength and my weaknesses and I have accepted all of them. I just have to enjoy life as it comes. I removed my faithful armor, put my weapons down. I don’t need them anymore. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, especially not to myself. I just am. Part of a whole and complete. No more questioning, no more justification of anything. I can walk on my path of life with my head high, peacefully. I just am. I’ve reached the freedom I was looking for most of my life. I’ve reached the peace I was longing for years.

So time has come, for me, to face vulnerability. And to me, it translates into receiving, genuinely receiving what may come into my life. Everything is possible. And I am open to everything. I know I will enjoy each part of the journey. No more awkward feeling, no more blushing, no more panic even. Just acceptance, and happiness to have been given the opportunity to live it. Time has come to bring some magic into my life. Whatever comes, I will be ready to greet it.

So here I am, open to receiving.

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