Now that I am done dealing with my personal hell for this year, I can get back to my journey. As it always does though, having to go through my darkest days changed me. Cleaned me. Purified me even. And I came to realize that I am freer than ever. Free to be myself, free to express myself, free to open myself. Fearlessly.
You see, when you have to go through very dark things, when you have to face death (yours and/or the one of your loving ones), yourself, your deepest fears, and that you survive all of them, you happen to have a different sight on the world around you.
Some of us will do all they can to make it a better place. Some of us will loose interest on it. Some of us will just try to find a way to survive a bit longer. Some of us will try to change it. But all of us will be different of who they were « before ».
I had the « luck » to have lived several of these moments. I had to survive a school that made everything it could to crush me, to make me fit into a box that never was mine. I had to fight for my life, truly, when I had to deal with lymphoma. I had to do all I could to get myself and my daughter out of a really toxic relationship. I had to face my daughter’s sickness too. I had to face judgement, gossips, attempts to make me look like a horrid mother. And I had to face her death, after being right by her side each moment of her agony.
I had to face all my fears, eye to eye. And I survived all of them. It made me realize how strong I was, and that my fears were in reality only projections of my own mind. Because while in the middle of each battle I had to fight, I wasn’t scared. I wasn’t afraid. I was focused on the very moment I was living. I didn’t care about what might or might not come afterwards. I was focused on the now and here. I threw all my forces into the battle, fearless, fierce, unstoppable. I discovered the warrior lying within, underneath my civilized, polite self.
I learned a lot from these years. I also learned to control my strength, my anger, my revolt, my despair to make me able to understand and accept what I had been through and learn from it. I won some battles, I lost others. But I am here standing. These last years, I decided to take the time to heal my wounds, as deep as they were, to reach peace within. I’ve learned to meet and know the softer, peaceful me.
But can you really shut your warrior self down? I don’t think so. You can learn to control it. You can learn to free yourself too. I now only do what I feel is right. For myself, for the ones I care about, for the values I live by. If I learned anything from my personal wandering in hell, it’s integrity. No one can put it in question, not even myself. I live by a system of values that’s mine. I obey my law. And if challenged, I most of the time answer with compassion. It required me a long and hard training to reach this point hahaha. I will always speak the truth, even if it’s my truth only, and openly. I won’t play games. If wounded, I will retreat within, in order to avoid causing pain to my opponent. They wouldn’t be able to deal with what I would send them back.
Because you see, when you are not afraid, you can see things and people as they really are. You don’t project your fears on them anymore. You see through their own projections, through the masks they wear, through what they want you to see. Because being fearless also means being nonjudgmental.
As I don’t ask anything from anyone or any situation, as I don’t fear to be left behind or aside, as I don’t play the power game, I can observe the dynamics at stake. And analyze the way each component acts with or against each other. It helps me understand what is really going on. Then it’s up to me to decide to join the battle or to stay aside. I am not disillusioned. Even if it really made me ponder for a while. But I came to realize this last month, while getting back in touch with my physical vulnerability, that my mind and my soul were as sharp as they always have been. I let them open my eyes. Some things have reached my breaking point. And I am now throwing all my strengths into a new battle. Doing what I can, being what I can to help people open their eyes too. Let’s say I got in touch with my old freebooter self. I am lucky enough to be free, and I decided to use this freedom of mine to help people free themselves too.
I already did it in my everyday life at school, for years now, using my creativity to help kids grow, learn, enjoy themselves and love being at school. I encourage curiosity, openness, care of those around, care of the world we live in, cooperation. And for a while, it was enough for me. I felt useful, and I was accomplishing my mission with passion. As I decided from the beginning to really separate my professional life from my personal one (it’s a matter of sanity, trust me), I didn’t feel the same need to do the same in my private life. Keeping it really private. Even online. You won’t find any picture of me on the web. I only write under my screen name. It’s my way of seeing and doing things. I an throw whole pieces of me online, but I will keep it… online. In my everyday life, I tend to keep my ideas for myself, and only few of my closest friends know where I really stand… I don’t try to hide it, if asked I am pretty open, but I won’t throw it to the face of anybody. I don’t need it. As I said, I follow my rules, and the main one is integrity.
But you can’t try to put freedom down, in any of its aspects and expect me to just watch and stay still. You can’t dehumanize people and expect me to just watch and stay still. You can’t manipulate people and expect me to just watch and stay still. It’s not in my nature. It’s in complete contradiction with my principles. So I will do what I need to do. I will help, as much as I can, with all my strength, restore and protect freedom and truth, and integrity. I will do it following my own rules, as usual, not following any orders from anyone. I will do it with my core values and principles. With integrity and passion. Fearlessly and willingly. I will do what I think I have to do, when I have to do it, with respect and determination. Because I am lucky enough to be able to do so. And because I can’t let it go any further.
I am hoisting my banner high. And you are free to join me.
Pattern: I started with Quiltz then I just wandered. And I am happy with the way it turned out! I wanted to use a pattern with straight lines, intricate but simple. Because being fearless simplifies life that otherwise may seem really complicated.
Oh, by the way, I now am on twitter… I am Cesame @cesamelimonade there! Feel free to join me there too!