2020 saga. Trust

This week we focus on trust. To be able to truly enjoy the journey and tell our story, we need to trust. Which is a huge step forward.

For a long time, I felt I couldn’t trust. It wasn’t that obvious, or sudden, but the result of poor choices I made, the realization that I wasn’t living my own life but just fit in other people project, and the betrayal of those closest to me… So I learned to put everything in question. To try to look through. Even if those years weren’t obviously the happiest of my life, they also taught me really valuable skills and I don’t regret to have chosen this path.

I definitely had trust issues… that led to isolation. At first, I just didn’t want to feel the pain. Then I didn’t want to live up to anyone’s expectations. And after that, I just wanted to trust myself enough before trying to trust anyone else… Which makes me smile today. Once again, I couldn’t be more lost than then. I didn’t know or even have the slightest idea that nothing depended on my choices, but that everything depended on letting go of any choice.

I learned to trust myself. It took me a long time, but I finally understood that I had something within I could fully trust. Once I let my intuition to take the lead, everything was simpler, fell into place, and made sense. So more than myself, I trust my intuition. And I let go of ego and will, truly. If I feel anything, I listen to that feeling. Whether it’s a warning feeling or a « go for it » feeling. I listen to it, I attune, and I enjoy what it brings me. It took me a lot of practice (remember, I came from the « trust no one, even yourself  » land) but with time I learned to trust myself. To the point that I am connected to my intuition at all time. Because I know that I can trust it to give me exactly what I need when I need it. And it never failed me as I decided to trust it. No more ‘poor choices’. To be really honest, I also think that the way I see thing played a huge part in this process… but anyway, learn to trust your self and enjoy!

I learned to trust the process. Whatever comes into my life, I know it’s part of a bigger process which will bring me what I need to learn, see or live. And that everything is fine. Of course, it’s easy for me, as I’ve faced my biggest fears and came back from hell, alive, stronger, wiser… so I have nothing left to fear. Hence the deep belief that everything will be fine from now on. It bring me self confidence too. And as I walk with more confidence, more good come in my way… which brings me more confidence, and more good things. Thing is, I don’t expect anything to come. But I know when time has come, some thing will bring me to another, and that everything will be fine, falling perfectly into place. For example, I may see or hear things on the radio, or in conversation, talking with friends, seeing it on tv, on in a magazine, or even online… whatever, really… that lead me to think about something specific I would like to do, get or live… I really feel I have to. Then money comes in my way so I can get it, or I meet people that are able to take me to do it, or to teach me how to do it… it’s that simple. And what makes me smile is that I never know if it happened because I sent the intention, or if it was brought to me at the first place. Does it really matter? I don’t think so. I am just enjoying what is and what will be.

The most difficult step was to trust people… We you only rely on yourself, it’s not that easy. So I started to give my trust for small things. Not fully trusting the person by himself/herself, but trusting him or her to do this or that. Baby steps… I felt betrayed so many times that it’s not something natural anymore, to me… probably because, in my mind, when I give my trust to someone, it’s the most valuable thing I can give. I realized lately that I didn’t have to give my full and entire trust to anyone, actually. Well, I don’t have to yet. As I said, betrayal with huge consequences left scars… deep ones. As I go on my path, I don’t really need or care about these trust issues. What was a deep open wound is just something I think about from time to time. I am far less isolated now that I was when I decided to trust no one till I dealt with my trust issues… Trust is not really an issue anymore. I don’t give it the same value as I did before, I guess. I don’t need to. So it’s simpler. My life is also simpler, as I don’t compartmentalize it as I used to. I also have far less secrets or things I want to keep for myself. I opened myself and what you see is what is… So no need to trust someone to keep something for him/her self. I don’t care about what may be said or thought… As soon as I made the choice to be myself no matter what, even if it may be judged by some (co workers, familly), I freed myself from their judgments and from the necessity to keep things separated from a realm of my life to another. It wasn’t that easy at first…. Baby steps once again. Now I just am who I am, and if they have a problem with it, it’s theirs, not mine. Self confidence is the key. The ability to trust in yourself, and not to depend on anyone else.

So this week, let’s take a step forward, let’s bring trust in our life!

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