Étiquette : black and white

2019 epopee: card #17. My VIBE attracts my TRIBE

I am always amazed by the way people come in and go out of my life. I understood a long time ago that each and every person we meet is a potential teacher. As long as we let them teach us the lesson we need to learn. No fear needed, we are ready to learn what they came to teach us, knowingly or not.

And there are these people with whom we seem to have another type of link, at another level. People who are on the same wavelength. For a moment or for longer. People who seem to come and go in our life, always with something new to bring, to take. People who bring a sense of belonging. Our tribe.

I am lucky to have some of these peoples in my life. I don’t see them everyday, I don’t call them everyday either. But I know they are here for me, anytime I’d need them, as I am here for them if they need me. This week, I’ll spend a few days with some of them. I know that it will lead to endless nights talking, laughing, sharing, being emotional too. I usually feel drained when in presence of people. But being with my tribe fills me. We spin the web of our connection, making it even stronger. We can have these intense and deep conversation, reinvent the world, as well as spending time in silence, enjoying each other presence.

As I said, I am mostly a loner. I need time to recharge by myself, and it’s ok with me. I nonetheless am able to stop anything I am doing to be with one of my tribe. Between them and a perfect day by myself, I will choose to spend time with them. Because as I said, they make me feel good, and I love to leave them with a smile on their face. The most beautiful is that we don’t even try. It’s just the way it is.

While being part of my own little tribe, they all are different. They all appeared in my life at different times. As I grew, some people went away, because it didn’t resonate with them anymore. And it was that simple. No pain, no hard feelings, we just vanished from each other lives. Some people appeared at a time I needed guidance and offered me their views. We may disagree on certain points, but we keep evolving, on our own ways, checking each other to celebrate growth and a good cup of tea (or a beer, I am not that close minded). We teach each other own own ways, or own views, without imposing them on anyone. Just enjoying the journey. Others entered my life in trouble times, got my back if and when needed. Life made us loose touch. And reconnect years later. As if we never were apart.

Thing is, we seem to meet the ‘right people’ at the ‘right moment’ of our life. People who can teach us something, people who have knowledge we need to hear, people whose example is showing us a way we may have never thought about before. As well as people we can help, people we can support, people who seem to need our opinion on a subject. We are all part of the same dynamic. We all evolve our own way. And sometimes, we find ourselves in presence of people with the same wavelength. We attract such people in our life, as we are attracted by them. When we are lucky enough to spend time with them, we then can enjoy something special, something that brings us far more than a simple relationship.

But it requires us to be ourselves, fully, to be able to reach such people, people we can relate to at this depth. It requires us to be genuine, to be who we are, in other words. And we need to bring those walls we build around ourselves for protection down, to let them reach you. We can’t interact with anyone if we hide behind high walls and moats…

I don’t believe in chance. I believe we meet people we need to meet or who need to meet us when and where we need to be in contact. So open yourself, shine, be a beacon, open you eyes and look for other beacons. And enjoy the process!

So this week, as I spend time with my tribe, I wish you the same. And who know, we may be part of each other’s tribe too, sooner or later!

Épopée 2019: carte 17. Je suis un PASSEUR.

Cette semaine, J’ai eu beaucoup de mal à me décider. J’étais à la fois pleine d’idées et dans une brume mentale. J’ai préféré prendre le temps de laisser venir les choses, de laisser mon esprit faire un tri. Je savais que ce matin, je saurai quoi écrire sur ma carte. J’ai laissé mes pensées divaguer, à l’écoute de ce qu’elles m’inspiraient, j’ai laissé mes souvenirs émerger, connecter des éléments les uns aux autres.

Ce matin, une évidence. Je suis un passeur (et oui, j’utilise le masculin). Dans le sens noble du terme. Un passeur d’idées, d’émotions, de connaissances aussi. Nous le sommes tous.

Il me vient parfois des idées ou des pensées sorties de nulle part, mais qui me semblent suffisamment importantes pour que je les note, que je m’en souvienne. Parfois elles me concernent, parfois je ne suis que la messagère. Et c’est en ça que je me considère comme un passeur. Je partage volontiers ce qui me passe par la tête, ou ce qui me touche. Ou ce qui me semble important. Parce que ça peut aussi parler à quelqu’un d’autre, quelqu’un qui en aura besoin à ce moment là. Et je ne sais pas ce qui me fait le plus plaisir: partager quelque chose qui me touche personnellement, ou quelque chose qui touchera quelqu’un.

Mon métier fait de moi un passeur de connaissances, de savoir. Je ne suis là que pour distiller ce dont ils ont besoin, en adaptant le flux à leurs besoins. Mais globalement, que ce soit moi ou un autre, cela n’a pas grande importance, ce qui compte, c’est le contenu de ce qu’on leur transmet. Après, chacun a sa manière de le faire. Et c’est peut être là que je peux ajouter mon grain de sel. Ce que je fais avec enthousiasme. Mais concrètement, mon travail se résume à rendre accessible un savoir et des compétences à des enfants qui sont prêts à les recevoir. C’est aussi simple que ça. Je suis un passeur.

Il en va de même avec ce que je perçois de ce monde. Je suis encore surprise lorsque je remarque que mes idées du moments, ou mes envies entrent en écho avec celles de personnes à l’autre bout du monde. J’en suis venue à penser qu’il existe des dynamiques accessibles à tous, et que certaines nous parlent plus ou moins. Lorsqu’on sent qu’il est temps de se pencher sur une question particulière, on entre dans la dynamique correspondante, et on y participe. A nous ensuite de garder ce qu’on a ressenti ou compris, ou au contraire de le partager. Je choisis en général la deuxième option, parce que je suis un passeur.

Après tout, si quelque chose est suffisamment puissant pour nous faire vibrer, pour nous donner envie, pour nous bousculer, pour nous motiver, c’est que c’est important. Peut être uniquement pour nous, peut être aussi pour d’autres. Et partager une émotion, une vibration, une passion, une découverte, c’est aussi participer à sa diffusion. En ce qui me concerne, je pars du principe que si quelque chose a réussi à m’émouvoir au point de me précipiter sur mon clavier pour le partager, c’est que c’est quelque chose de positif, de constructif, qui peut apporter quelque chose à ceux qui me lisent. Je joue donc mon rôle de passeur.

Je ne partage pas tout. Je garde encore beaucoup en moi. probablement parce que le temps n’est pas propice au partage, ou tout simplement parce que j’ai envie de voir où ça me mène. ça ne me pèse pas, ça m’enrichit. Le moment voulu, je le partagerai avec la personne à qui ça parlera le plus. Avec plaisir, avec conviction.

J’essaie cependant de limiter ma propre influence. Bien évidemment, ce que je partage porte la vision que j’en ai. Mais j’essaie toujours de laisser aux autres l’opportunité de se faire leur propre opinion. Je ne suis pas dans le jugement, je suis dans la transmission. J’ai bien évidemment un avis très tranché sur tout un tas de choses, et je ne choisis de partager que ce qui me fait vibrer. J’ai décidé de ne passer que ce qui me parait constructif, ou intense. Je laisse à d’autres le loisir de passer ce qu’ils veulent.

Je prends peu à peu conscience de mon rôle dans le processus de diffusion de ce qui peut me faire vibrer. Et du rôle que nous jouons tous dans ce jeu de transmission. Et puisque j’en ai conscience, il m’appartient aussi d’en porter la responsabilité. Je sais que mon impact n’est que très limité, du moins directement. Par contre, je m’efforce de ne faire passer que ce qui me parait être constructif, ou apporter quelque chose à quelqu’un. Le reste m’indiffère.

Cette semaine, prenons conscience de note rôle de passeur dans notre entourage proche et virtuel, et partageons, encore et toujours!

motif: Gelijoy

2019 epopee: card #16. I am EMBRACING my life

Sooooo I keep on feeling I am on a brand new level in my life. I feel free from what restrained me for so long without any valid reason. When I think about it, I can’t even remember what it was. I feel like it’s behind me now, and that I don’t have to worry or even think about it. What needed to stay remains within, as a part of who I am. This is what matters. So now that I made room for new people, event and things to enter my life, I am embracing it.

I am embracing the change. It became a part of me. I don’t even realize it unless I take the time to look behind. I am evolving. And I guess it was high time for me to do so. To me, it’s not really a change or an evolution, though, it’s more like an adjustment between what I perceive and what I live. A physical and mental adjustment. It’s getting to be who I really am, in all aspects of my life. It’s harmonizing myself. It’s raising above the games I always refused to play but felt compelled to watch anyway. I don’t have to anymore. I just go on my path. When changes came, I just accepted them, and they put everything the way it was supposed to be, I guess. Everything was so simple, I didn’t even think about it, really. And it’s ok with me, I needed to step out of my cocoon anyway.

I am embracing the permanency. Some things or feelings don’t have to change. They are. And it’s perfect this way. By accepting it, by embracing it, I don’t have to worry about it. And as it is supposed to be, it is. Things are simple. You can change what is supposed to be changed, but if something is meant to be, for a moment or for a long time, then embrace it as a part of your life, right here, right now. When, and if, time has come to change it, then it will be. But to really embrace your life, you need to embrace all of it. So stop trying to fit, to conform to whatever ideal you think you should be. Just be yourself, and enjoy what you have. This is the biggest lesson I’ve learned and I am truly thankful for that. The day I understood and accepted to be happy with what I had and was, I know I made the biggest step forward in the ‘right’ direction. Some things are not meant to be changed. Period. You can exhaust yourself trying, or you can just learn to enjoy them.

I am embracing my vision of life. It was really time for me to live what I felt. I supposed that grief kept me a bit longer than it was supposed to from it, but it’s ok, I probably needed that extra time to get rid of older, deeper anchors. So now I am allowing myself to fully embrace my vision of how I want to live the rest of my life. Genuinely. I now can live what I feel. It seems obvious, but it’s not when you are trained to keep your feelings for yourself and do what you are supposed to do for the good of people around you. For decades. I am done with that. I already live the way I want at home, and started to infuse the idea that things would change, but now I plan to fully expand it. Time has come for people to deal with it. If they can take it, it will be really interesting and a renewal. If they can’t, well, they will have some work on themselves to do as I am done protecting their delusion. Time has come to set healthy boundaries and to work on having them respected. That will be fun either way.

I am embracing my whole self. I am the way I am, and I love it. I accepted a long time ago to have a mind working its own way, and I learned to master its skills. I accepted a long time ago to feel the way I do, and I learned to use it for the best. I accepted to look the way I do. I never truly had a problem with my physical appearance. But I never really felt in love with it… until recently. My body always was this strong vessel that could help me face anything. It had some weaknesses, but hadn’t fail me the last 15 years. It even came back stronger than ever after its nearly destruction by cancer before that. Since then, I took it for granted, never really cared about it. It took me some time to change my mind about it. I started to care more and more about its well being. After all, we have a long time left to live together. And I really wasn’t soft on it. So its time has come, and I surprised myself enjoying taking care of my neglected body. (Well, not THAT neglected… just ignored). As for the rest, I had to see what had to be changed and what could remain the same. Easy choice in reality. Then I had to live with it. And last I had to love it. This is where I am at now. I am loving the way I am looking. Not only what I chose to keep or to accept. But everything. The shape of it (and I renewed my wardrobe to celebrate that), my grey hair (easiest choice ever!), my scars (so proud of them!), and all those little things that I didn’t like, that made me feel bad even. They are part of me, I accept them and it’s that simple. As I learned to love myself again, then everything became obvious, once more. The woman within the warrior awakened. My body wasn’t only strong anymore, it became the witness of the love I felt for my whole self. I took care of it the same way I took care of my mind, nourishing it. I took care of it the same way I took care of my emotions, listening to it and caring for it. I took care of it the same way I took care of my life: enhancing it.

I am embracing what may come. I am now ready to embrace whatever comes into my life. Knowing that I will make choices that will be led by my whole self and not by fear or delusions. I don’t have to protect myself or others, so I can truly be open. I don’t need anything, in fact, really. I already have all I need in my life, I am happy the way I am. So I can welcome whatever comes with an open mind, open eyes and open arms. Knowing that I have been taught enough to make the good choices and see things as they are. I know that I still have a lot to learn as well as a lot to teach, and I can’t wait to live these situations. Time has come to share experiences, moments, emotions. And I am embracing this time of my life with delight.

Épopée 2019: carte n°16. Je me RESSOURCE

J’ai donc surgi de mes cendres, une fois encore, mais cette fois c’est différent. Pour compléter le processus, j’ai besoin de me ressourcer. De puiser dans tout ce qui me donne du plaisir, de la sérénité. De passer du temps seule, d’écouter de la musique, de gribouiller, de me laisser envahir par la nature qui m’entoure. De partager des moments avec mes proches.

Parce que pour que le processus d’intégration puisse s’accomplir, j’ai du mettre mon âme à nu, purger mon corps, vider mon esprit, pour ne garder que l’essence de ce que je suis. Maintenant que ma mue est terminée, il est temps pour moi de me nourrir de ce qui me donnera la force de poursuivre mon chemin. Et si je sais qu’il sera bien moins tumultueux que ce qu’ai pu vivre jusqu’ici, j’ai également conscience que j’ai encore beaucoup à apprendre.

Je prends donc le temps de me ressourcer, et tout me parait bien plus léger, plus facile, évident. Je suis mes envies, les occasions qui se présentent. Je suis dans un flux constant de douce évidence. Et pour une fois, je sens que je n’ai pas à rester sur mes gardes, à attendre le coup du sort qui me ramènera brutalement à terre. Parce que tout est clair, limpide, ouvert. Je n’ai rien à cacher, rien à expliquer, rien à comprendre. Je peux me laisser bercer, et envisager la suite avec sérénité.

Alors je me plonge dans la contemplation de la pluie qui semble apporter à la fois un peu de fraicheur et un renouveau autour de moi. Je la sens laver et nourrir mon âme, tout comme elle redonne un peu de vie et d’espoir à la nature accablée par le feu des derniers jours. Et je souris de la synchronicité de ma vie interne avec ma vie externe.

J’observe ces oiseaux qui semblent trouver mon balcon accueillant, surtout lorsque je joue de la flute. Nos chants se mêlent et transmettent leur message dans l’air à qui a besoin de l’entendre.

Je laisse mes doigts dessiner des motifs plus ou moins entrelacés, ils suivent leur propre rythme, ont leur propre histoire à raconter. Et j’aime penser à ces fragments comme de potentielles futures saga. Je les laisse également donner vie à ces idées qui jusqu’ici restaient oniriques. Je leur permet de venir à la lumière.

Je me laisse absorber par mes lectures, qu’elles soient fictionnelles ou informatives. J’ai plaisir à lire des passionnés qui définitivement sont mes contribules. Je me sens enfin appartenir, du moins en partie, à quelque chose qui me nourrit de surcroit.

Je dévoile à mes proches le pourquoi du comment de mes choix de vie sereinement, parce qu’il est temps pour eux de cesser de s’inquiéter et de projeter leurs peurs sur ma propre vie. En douceur, sincèrement, avec compassion. Et c’est là que je perçois le plus grand changement. J’assume, sereinement, je peux poser des mots sur mon cheminement, avec force mais tout en douceur. J’ai abandonné sur le chemin cette fausse pudeur qui me servait de bouclier. Je n’ai plus peur de les heurter, mais au contraire, mes mots les rassurent et leur permettent de mieux comprendre, et d’accepter. Parce que bien souvent, l’incompréhension vient de la projection de son propre vécu sur celui d’autrui. Alors que chaque cheminement est différent. En acceptant leur vision, pleinement, je me libère de cette contrainte et je me permets de pouvoir exprimer la mienne. Il n’y a plus de jugement, ni d’une part ni de l’autre, mais une sincérité et une intégration.

Je m’immerge dans la musique. Et je laisse les paroles me transmettre leur message si longtemps obscur mais que je suis prête à saisir maintenant.

Je prends soin de ma gardienne, de celle qui m’a accompagnée ces 16 dernières années de sa présence discrète mais si importante à mes yeux.

Je laisse mon esprit gambader dans des contrées qui ne sont que siennes, pour en ramener l’inspiration qui me fera vibrer à plus ou moins long terme.

Et je me surprends à sourire la plupart du temps, parce que je me sens bien.

Bientôt, je sortirai de mon refuge pour me confronter au monde de nouveau, mais je sais d’ores et déjà que ce détachement ne me quittera pas. Parce qu’il fait partie de celle que je suis aujourd’hui. Et c’est très bien comme ça.

Cette semaine, donc, je me ressource. Et je vous souhaite la même chose. Parce qu’on a trop souvent tendance à s’oublier et à se laisser emporter par le tourbillon de ce qui nous entoure. Alors que rien ne nous y oblige, en réalité. Tout n’a pas à nous atteindre en plein cœur. Tout n’a pas à nous agresser. Il y a toujours ces petits riens qui nous ramènent à qui on est, et il nous appartient de les distinguer dans le tumulte et d’en profiter. Parce qu’ils sont ce qui nous permet de patienter dans la tourmente, et de garder notre but en tête, quoi qu’il se passe. Ils sont les clés qui ouvrent les portes vers ce que nous sommes.

Et vous, qu’est-ce qui vous ressource?

2019 Epopee: card #15. I am RISING from my ashes.

As I am getting ready to face another heat wave in my area, I pondered about the fact that I really can’t stand heat. Well… THAT heat. Too warm for me, I am more a winter girl than a summer one… as I was thinking about the discomfort of the physical heat, I came to think about the fact that the emotional one, or the psychological one don’t bother me at all. Probably because some arsons put me into ashes more than once in my lifetime…. but I rose from them. Stronger, different, grown. Each and every time.

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edit: I took some time to write and post what follows… I pondered whether or not I would share these very personal experiences… But well, I guess that if it was time for me to share them, it means that it was time for you to read them too… so now you know where I come from…. you don’t need to read my rambling if you don’t feel like it, you can also go directly to my card at the end, I won’t mind, promise!

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The first arson was probably high school system I had to live through. I didn’t fit. And I didn’t really want to fit either… Think about a middle class country teen thrown into a prep school where money were all that mattered. Well, you get a pretty good image of what it was, even if it was a public downtown elitist high school. You were assured to get your final exam there (what they don’t tell you, is that they would throw you without any remorse before that, if they thought you couldn’t be an asset… We were only success percentages to these people…. elitists as I said). Anyway, the first months there were pure hell. Peer pressure, subtle ways to make me really feel my non belonging to the place, administration pressure, who only saw percentage of success to the final exam in each of us. If we were considered unable to fulfill the goal they had, they did all they could to make us leave… Nice people, really… Anyway, It put me into ashes, purely… I was denied the right to be who I started to be, I had to fit in this mold by all means… Thing is, I wasn’t the submissive kind of kid… so they tries to break me… and they succeeded, to a point, for almost a year… But I came back, with the will to show them the abuse of their system, and that I didn’t need them (my so called peers and/or the system they built there) to succeed. My senior year, I just used textbooks, I didn’t care about the lessons. I went to each and every class I was supposed to go, but only because the setting was perfect to study my own way. Yes, I was that weird girl lol. I made some friends in the process, other outcasts, as well as a place to hang out with them and have good coffee…. and some protection from bad asses that I saw as the teddy bears they actually were. So yes, at first, the whole system crushed me. Burnt my soul. But I learned how to fight. As they say, to beat the system, you have to understand it first. So this is when I learned to step back and observe. And I saw how I could survive in it without belonging to it. I was on the edge, but never broke a rule… They couldn’t fire me, and I was a constant reminder of what they didn’t want to see/be. I learned how to fight with my mind, how to look at people for who they really are. How to cope with life, really. And who I wanted to be. I also realize that WHAT you are wasn’t as important as WHO you are. I set my priorities, and I became stronger that I ever expected to be. And for those who wonder: yes, I passed my final exams, with distinction. And I don’t owe anything to anyone but me for that. This is what I call my first rite of passage… And if it nearly destroyed me (I considered suicide several times, and I know that I wasn’t the only one, this institution really had its way to crush teens…), I had within this will to live and to rise above my own ashes that gave me all I needed to go on and get out of there. And see… it backfired on the system: I am now a teacher for more than 10 years, making sure that each and every kid feels welcomed and takes pleasure to learn in my classroom, for the year they spend there with me. I refused the system I had to go through but armed myself mentally to face it and to find its weak point… I make sure to plant seeds of self confidence, of openness, of mutual aid so that if they have to face something similar at one point of their life, they have the tools to face it too. And beat the system too, if needed. When you are face to face with an arsonist who lacks the most basic human values, you show it what being human means! And let it backfire at them.

The second arson I had to deal with was cancer… And it took place the year of a huge heat wave… so I was both burning outside (remember, no air conditioning here!) and inside (chemo literally burned my veins, and rays burned my thyroid, among other parts of my body). Cancer put my body into ashes… Before treatments, I was rather healthy (if you forget about this golf ball growing on my left shoulder). At the end, I was so week I couldn’t really focus on anything, I had to really need to go anywhere to be able to move my body to go there, I was in constant pain, and my self esteem was at its lowest point. I live with my new husband at my parents… And I soon realized that « I » had to care about them. They didn’t handle the fact that I was sick very well… My husband had to deal with living in a new country which language he didn’t speak, my parents were too devastated (my mom once told me « it’s worse for me than it is for you »… huh, mom, I don’t think so, but… whatever, while my father couldn’t watch at my bald head, so he just avoid looking at me at all). I quickly understood that I could only count on me. I even tried to help them cope as I could, but I was fighting for my life and I had to focus on that first and foremost. I kept as much as I could to myself so that I didn’t have to deal with having to help them too… A lonely lonely journey… that taught me that I had a real deep core will to live… And that it was stronger than anything else. It harden me too. Psychologically. I remember, a months after my last treatment, I went to a place to make what they call a competence check up, to see which career I could think about… I didn’t talk about cancer, and I took the test… a coupe of day later, one of the persons asked me to come and talk, he had something he wanted to talk about in my results… One of my results was really awkward, he only saw it once with a veteran after 3 years in the legion corp (one of the hardest army branch you can find). I smiled which I guess scared him a bit more, and I told him I was just done with a 9 months war against cancer… that I won, but I still had to come back to a more civilized life, which I was working on it, but that it would take time to digest what I had to face and take lessons fro that experience. I will never forget the relief on his face. No, I wasn’t a sociopath… I was just a survivor, a warrior on my own… Sadly, what I learned through the process is that I couldn’t rely on those closest to me when faced to a real crisis… they just can’t handle that. It’s not their fault, they just aren’t wired to do so. I discovered that I was, on the other hand. I then was ready to face anything… or so I thought….

A few years later came the third arson… a toxic, really toxic one. My husband was bipolar, and became an alcoholic. A lot of things led him to that. Thing is, he wasn’t alone. I was took in the descending spiral, as well as our daughter. A spiral of pure, constant, hell… I had to face daily violence (never went physical though, probably because he knew I would reply and that he would be in big big trouble…). It took years for me to take things on hands and to call for help (well, years and a dramatic event when he reached my breaking point). I reached help from everybody I could think of…. and was left alone dealing with his disease. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped…. so I could only try to protect my daughter as well as I could, while trying to get her father medical assistance… and working full time to be a teacher (this is when I took the decision to take the competitive exam, in order for me to support my daughter if I had to be a single mother….). This fire burned love, trust, self esteem, taught me to ignore people reactions… It also gave me the opportunity to build my determination. I wasn’t alone this time, I had to take care of my daughter…. When he finally went back to the USA, to his family, I had to deal with the feeling of a total fail… My whole world had been crushed, put into ashes. I had accepted more that I would have ever thought, I had to provide safety and stability to my daughter. I put her first. I knew I wasn’t done with her father disease, that I would have to fight… and I had to be ready to do so. But this time, I couldn’t go full warrior. I had to be a loving caring mother too… So it was probably the hardest: I went out of my comfort zone, for her, to offer her a peaceful and safe childhood. It became ugly with her father… death threats, harassment, for years. I was safe anyway, as he was an ocean and a continent away… I forgot about myself… I was my own arsonist, putting me into ashes to let the warrior rise from it, to be able to be a mother, a protector and a provider…. nothing else mattered… And I guess I only now recover from that time, 11 years later. It took me that time to even thinking about eventually letting anyone come into my life. It took me that time to reconcile with the woman in me. And let her rise above all that, at last.

But before that I had to face the worst nightmare of all… My daughter’s disease. While fighting to protect her, I also had to fight with her crisis… Rage crisis. Who could happen anywhere, at any time, in front of anybody… nice, huh? Of course, as I was a single parent, the blame was put on me. I didn’t know how to raise her, I didn’t do anything right. people closer to us could witness the struggle and were very supportive. I did all I could to help her. I looked for help, I did researches, I tried everything I could…. Nobody could explain why she was behaving like that… But I learned to see the warning signs and ho to defuse them… well, sometimes… it took years, with weekly therapy, and monthly family counseling (yep, I still was responsible in the eyes of society). Then her health decline…. and I took her to the hospital where the diagnosis was brought to me quickly… DIPG . I remember doctors face when they told me… and their surprise when I remained calm… I just realized that all the energy I used to protect us from those bigots all these years could now be used to support her and live each and everyday she had left to live at its fullest. Which we did. And let me tell you, those 2 years were the best of our life together. We truly lived. The only times we let ourselves go were when the IMR results weren’t good. We cried for an hour, then looked at each other and she usually told me « Ok, now that’s enough, let’s don’t let the tumor to have more place in our life than it deserves…  » and we went back to fight, laugh, live, love. Her thirst of life fueled mine. My strength fueled hers. Nothing was taboo. We talked about everything. I never hid her anything… She could also see her father in person, and I know this moment was important for both of them. I am happy they could have it. But no one can fight forever… I won’t go further here, not yet… maybe one day I will be able to tell you about her last months.. i am not ready yet…. And on march 29th of 2016, at 6:15 am, I was put into ashes, again… My whole world, my whole self, everything was burned that day. The survivor in me took control for a while, to keep me alive… then the warrior in me took over. I made her a promise, I had to keep it. My word is my bond.

I kept on living under my warm, safe ashes pile for year, A cocoon from which I rebuilt myself, gathering my pieces, putting them back together, caring for that tiny flame that kept burning….

3 years later, I am ready to rise from it. Fully. Realizing that this time, ashes are behind me. This is probably the last time I do it. I am done with fire. It is part of me now, I fully accept it and let it burn if necessary. But I won’t be put into ashes anymore, until the day I am done with life. I don’t need to go there anymore, I’ve learned what I needed to learn the hard way, to be able to go on my path in peace. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t softly. But it made me the one I am now, and I am ready to help others to rise too. See, I am not afraid to go into a blaze to help. Fire can’t hurt me. It can only change me, make me stronger, wiser, more compassionate, better…

So today, I am rising from my ashes, again, and for good.

cartes avril- juin / april-june cards

Aujourd’hui je vous propose deux pdf avec toutes mes cartes d’avril à juin.

Today I offer you two pdf docs with my cards from april to june.

Vous pouvez les télécharger, les imprimer, les colorier, les partager, les encadrer, en faire ce que vous voulez à partir du moment où c’est pour un usage personnel.

You can download them, print them,color them, share them, frame them, do whatever as long as it is for personal use.

cartes-avril-juinTélécharger
cards-april-juneTélécharger

J’espère qu’elle vous plaisent et que vous leur trouverez un usage!

Épopée 2019: carte n°15. Je vois la BEAUTÉ qui m’entoure.

Je publie mon article un peu plus tard que d’habitude. Disons que quelques imprévus sont venus enrayer ma belle mécanique. Mais ça n’a pas de réelle importance, puisque ça m’a permis de vivre des moments intéressants. A la fin de la semaine dernière, je suis tombée sur une vidéo que j’avais déjà vue, mais qui cette fois m’a laissée songeuse:

Bon clairement, je ne suis pas du tout du genre licorne et fleurs qui chantent au bord des chemins, mais je me suis dit qu’effectivement, il y avait quelque chose, là… Je ne vais pas pour autant aller dire à de parfait(e)s inconnu(e)s que je les trouve belles/beaux. Mais par contre, je peux changer mon regard. Et me concentrer sur ce qui fait d’une personne un être unique, une belle personne. De me concentrer, même pour un court moment, sur une vision positive de la personne qui se trouve en face de moi. De faire abstraction de ce qui à mes yeux est une barrière, un masque, pour voir au delà de ce qu’ils me donnent à voir.

Parce que je pense qu’être capable de voir cette étincelle en qui que ce soit change non seulement notre approche de la personne mais aussi notre façon de voir le monde qui nous entoure. Personne dans notre vie courante n’est fondamentalement mauvais. Le fait de rechercher cette partie d’eux qui les rend sensibles, unique nous aide à ressentir de la compassion. Et par ricochet, nous rend plus serein dans nos relations (nul besoin de défenses, nous ne sommes plus dans une dynamique potentiellement conflictuelle, mais plutôt dans une dynamique d’acceptation et de compréhension de l’autre). Je pense que j’ai du attendre d’être suffisamment au clair avec mes émotions et mon fonctionnement pour pouvoir faire ce pas vers l’autre sans remonter mes murailles à toute vitesse. Je suis suffisamment sûre de moi, de ce que je suis, de ce que je fais, pour être ouverte à ce qui se présente.

Pour autant, si il m’est facile de voir la beauté de la nature qui m’entoure, de l’entendre dans la musique, de la ressentir avec mes proches, je suis bien plus dure avec les êtres humains que je côtoie…. Tout comme j’ai pu l’être (et le suis encore parfois) avec moi-même. Parce que j’ai réalisé que je me suis construite en opposition avec mon milieu, en prenant le contrepied de ce qu’on attendait de moi. Je devais donc justifier ce choix en trouvant tous les défauts du monde à ce que je rejetais. Question de logique. Et c’est devenu instinctif: voir les failles, discerner les défauts, relever les incohérences, etc… La plupart du temps, je m’en sers pour aider ceux à qui je peux apporter mon aide, mais aussi pour comprendre leur mode de fonctionnement, leur mode de défense… Et parfois je remise juste les informations au fond de mon fourbis mémoriel pour m’en servir le cas échéant…. encore aujourd’hui…

Puis est venu le temps de l’acceptation, qui a changé et rééquilibré les choses. J’en ai longuement parlé l’année dernière, je ne reviendrai pas dessus. Et maintenant, il semble que le temps est venu pour moi de la compassion. Non pas de l’empathie, mais de la compassion ( je vous conseille la lecture de cet article sur le sujet, succinct mais très clair). Pour autant, je ne suis pas thérapeute et n’ai aucune intention de l’être. A quoi me servira donc cette pratique de la compassion? A écarter les souffrances, les masques et les barrières construits pour protéger cette étincelle que j’ai pour objectif de percevoir.

Parce que je suis persuadée qu’une fois qu’on parvient à voir de la beauté chez une personne, on touche à son essence et dès lors, nos relations ne sont plus les mêmes. Du moins, lorsque j’ai de l’animosité pour quelqu’un en réaction défensive, si je parviens à ressentir de la compassion puis à voir ce qui fait de cette personne quelqu’un d’unique, je suis plus à même de ne pas lui renvoyer son animosité en effet miroir. Au contraire, j’aurai tendance à lui renvoyer ce que j’ai perçu, et donc je me désolidarise de cette dynamique de conflit pour entrer dans une dynamique de compassion, de prise de recul et de sérénité. Et tout comme la perception des failles et défenses, je veux parvenir à ce que cette perception des qualités et de la beauté de quelqu’un me devienne un réflexe, à ce qu’elle devienne instinctive. Parce que j’ai envie d’autres relations, d’autres dynamiques, de rester détachée des drames qui se nouent et se dénouent pour nourrir certains égos. Et je n’ai plus envie que ce soit un travail quotidien, permanent, une mise en perspective perpétuelle qui finit par me drainer… J’ai envie que ça devienne instinctif, naturel.

J’ai envie de ne plus me laisser polluer par les drames. C’est là la clé. J’ai envie de sérénité, de compassion, de recul. Et surtout de protéger mon énergie pour la diriger vers ce qui en vaut vraiment la peine.

Cette semaine, donc, je pose un regard positif et je souris à ceux que je rencontre, je m’efforce de voir leur étincelle, et de me concentrer sur la beauté de ce qui m’entoure.

motif: in N out plaited

2019 epopee: card #14. I am RESTING in myself.

So my work year has come to an end. And let me tell you, this summer break is more than welcome…. We are under a heat wave here, and working at this temperature was pure hell. Anyway, it’s over, and it means that now is time for me to reflect on the last year and to put closure. I love to do it on my first week of holidays, so that I can then think about the now as well as getting ready for the year to come.

This last year, there was nothing really to understand at work… I took the time to make adjustment when needed. So as soon as I am done cleaning my classroom, and putting away what I bring back home, I will be able to focus on what really changed this year: my views on things.This year, I learned to really let go of what I didn’t need in my life. (And I have to go on this track at home with all my mess !)

I learned to let go of expectations. I don’t expect anything from anyone or anything. I just accept them as they are. I try to avoid being in a position where I need help. I just try to be self sufficient and to go on. The best thing about it, is that I am always happily surprised when I receive something from someone. And when and if I need help nonetheless, well, I know that I will learn a lot from the experience, that I needed to get closer to this person and that we will both learn something. So I am either happily surprised or completely peaceful. No expectations, no stress. I just go with the flow of my life. And if I am uncomfortable with a situation, I ask myself what I can do about it. If it has nothing to do with me, then I let go. If I can do something, then I do it. It’s that simple.

It didn’t came overnight. I had to let go of …. grudges. Arf… I always had a problem with forgiveness (probably something I hold against my catholic education…). I couldn’t understand how people who deeply suffered from a situation could just forgive and forget… And I felt bad not being able to do so while asked to… So I thought I just couldn’t forgive because I was too deeply hurt, and that was ok with me. This was something important to me, my sense of justice. When someone does something bad, hurt or anything, it leaves scars, and you can do whatever you want, scars are still there. Same with emotional pain… So how can you ask someone to forget they are marked for life in their body, in their soul, just because it’s better for them… It felt like hypocrisy to me, and nope, I just couldn’t…. I was gifted with a pretty good memory and I was asked to forget… didn’t seem right to me. Thing is, I forgot about something: time. With time, wounds heals, and scars are not marks of pain anymore. They are marks of strength. Strength to have survived the pain, the trauma, strength to live day after day with their constant reminding of what happened, strength to overcome it. Strength to accept them as part of yourself. Strength to build yourself including them. So during this last year, I had to look back at some events and people who really hurt me. And I realized that they don’t have a place in my life anymore, that they don’t resonate anymore with who I am… And that I didn’t need them anymore, that I didn’t need to feel the way I did about them anymore. And that I was actually didn’t feeling like that anymore. That it was gone, far gone. So I guess it was time for me to cut those ties and to let them go.

By doing so, I freed myself from grudges. Old grudges, and potential ones. I can’t really explain how, or when, but I realized that I don’t hold grudges against anyone anymore. I am either accepting people as they are (which doesn’t mean that I appreciate them, I just co exist with them), or feeling indifferent. I don’t care about drama, I don’t care about their endless rambling about anything. Their life path is different of mine. So if they need to go round and round for a while to learn something they don’t want to, it’s their choice, not mine. I’d rather go forward. If asked I am gladly sharing some of my experiences. If not asked I just let them learn what they need to learn by themselves. I don’t have to charge myself with their anxiety, with their burden. So even when they do try to hurt me, I feel compassionate. Because they just express their struggles, and I can see how painful it is to try to avoid facing yourself. They can’t reach me. I am done with it already and my acts and words speak for themselves. I keep myself safe by being true to myself. And I live in peace. So I traded grudged for compassion. I can feel how hurt they are, how broken they are, and it helps me to step back from any emotional reaction. They are hurt enough. It won’t help them if I reply to their violence with more violence. It will only reassure them on their victim status. I rather smile, and stay silent. They can’t hurt me anymore. Because I am not there with my life anymore.

I chose my fights. Freeing myself from all those potential toxic relationships helped me to step back and to perceive where I would be useful. So I had the luxury to take the time to observe, to analyze interactions and to understand what was really going on. I didn’t cut myself as I used to in the past, protecting myself. I just stepped back and watch, openly. I learned to remain silent instead of interacting. I learned to understand when it had anything to do with me and when it hadn’t. I learned to avoid getting caught in the middle of the mess and when I was directly attacked, I chose to answer peacefully and with assertiveness. As I remained calm, the contrast between us was even more obvious and I didn’t need to go further. I didn’t let their bad vibes get me. I chose to laugh a lot.

I learned to be even more assertive, but in a peaceful way. As I refuse to come into the dance of power, to be part of it, and made it very clear, they couldn’t do anything but watch me being myself. And I decided to stop hiding. I didn’t need to anymore. I just went on with my life, the way I want it to be. I found peace within too. I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, neither other or even myself. I just had to be. And by doing so, by enjoying being who I am, I found the key to a brand new door ready to be open. And I opened it.

So here I am, in summer break, away from anything negative, with the perspective to enjoy each moment of it, with friends and family to spend time with, and time for me to just rest, learn, create, enjoy, live.

So this week, I spend some time to rest, to enjoy, to contemplate the path already walked, and to look at the beautiful landscape ready for me to explore. And I am fully aware of the luck I have to be where I am in my life. After all, I worked hard to get there and time has come to enjoy.

So this week, I rest in myself.

Épopée 2019: carte n°14. Je suis FIÈRE de ce que j’ai accompli.

Du fait de ma profession, je fonctionne en années scolaires La plupart du temps. Et me voila donc à l’heure du bilan. Cette année je suis particulièrement fière de ce que j’ai accompli. Parce que j’ai fait de grands pas en avant, j’ai abattu des barrières, j’ai rencontre de belles personnes qui m’ont permis de mettre pas mal de choses en perspectives, je me suis un peu plus sociabilisée, j’ai trouvé un nouvel équilibre, et surtout je me sens prête à vivre de nouvelles aventures, libérée de poids que je trainais depuis trop longtemps.

Et surtout, j’ai une vision bien plus claire de mon cheminement. Le voyage intérieur de 2018 et l’épopée de cette année n’y sont certainement pas étrangers…

J’ai compris que ce qui me bloquait en réalité, était la culpabilité que je pouvais ressentir. Ou du moins le fait de ne pas parvenir à rester fidèle à une ligne de conduite qui me paraissait pourtant saine. Mais qui en définitive ne me correspondait pas. J’ai beaucoup appris cette année, j’ai aussi beaucoup approfondi certaines notions afin de les intégrer à ma façon de vivre ou au contraire de les écarter.

Et j’en suis fière. Fière, et non pas satisfaite uniquement. Fière, parce qu’il n’y a aucune honte à prendre conscience et à honorer ses progrès, ses réussites. Fière et non pas consciente uniquement. Parce qu’il n’y a aucune honte à se célébrer, de temps en temps, et que ça fait du bien de se voir positivement. Fière et fière de l’être. La tête haute, le regard vers l’avant, un sourire aux lèvres. J’assume. Je suis fière d’avoir fait les erreurs que j’ai faites. Parce qu’elle m’ont menée vers une compréhension plus fine et une compassion bien plus sincère. Je suis fière d’avoir su exploser de temps en temps pour rétablir un équilibre qui n’existait plus. Je suis fière d’avoir pu montrer un aspect de ma personnalité que je contiens la plupart du temps mais qui m’a apporté le respect de certains et qui a su me placer à ma place sur l’échiquier. Je suis fière d’avoir cédé à mes envies, de m’être fait plaisir et de découvrir et explorer de nouvelles passions. Je suis fière d’avoir surmonté des épreuves même si le prix à payer était prévisible. Je suis fière de l’accepter et de m’en servir pour asseoir mon autonomie. Je suis fière d’avoir su rester intègre quoi qu’il en coûte, et d’avoir fait de mon mieux dans chaque situation.

Je suis fière d’être elle que je suis aujourd’hui. Je suis fière d’avoir été capable de m’accepter telle que je suis et d’en tirer le meilleur. Je suis fière de me réveiller chaque matin avec l’excitation d’un nouveau jour qui commence, et de me coucher avec le sentiment d’avoir fait ce que je devais faire. Je suis fière d’avoir lâché prise sur pas mal de choses et de m’en être libérée. Je suis fière d’avoir semé des graines dès que je le pouvais dans les cœurs de ceux que j’ai pu rencontrer. Et je suis fière de me dire qu’elle pousseront peut être et que le moment venu ils sèmeront à leur tour.

Je suis fière d’avoir choisi de partager mes mots et mes gribouillages, d’avoir été capable de me livrer simplement. Je suis fière de vibrer pour de nombreuses choses et personnes. Je suis fière de ce que j’ai accompli. Je suis fière d’avoir encore tant à accomplir. Et je suis fière de me laisser la liberté de le faire.

Alors cette semaine, arrêtons de nous cacher derrière l’excuse du manque de confiance ou d’estime de soi, ou notre petit doigt. Et célébrons ce qui nous rend fiers (et oui, je sais que le mois des fiertés est fini, mais il ne devrait pas être limité dans le temps, on devrait avoir l’opportunité d’être fiers de ce que nous sommes à tout moment… moi, en tout cas, je la saisis et je l’affirme.) Je suis fière de moi. Et ça me fait un bien fou. Et je sais que c’est une dynamique qui ne fait que commencer…

Motif: A-dazy

Oh, cette semaine, je vous mettrai en ligne les cartes d’avril à juin! A vos imprimantes!

2019 epopee: card #13. I am WELCOMING my inner strength.

So this week something happened. From the beginning of the week, I felt that I had to remain calm, that something was about to happen and that I just needed to watch. Alright… So I did. Then I could perceive dynamics at stake, and I learned a lot of things about the people I work with just watching them. As I usually keep myself away from the dramas, I needed an upgrade on what was really going on. And it was interesting.

As I was watching, knowing that I was the unsaid target, I didn’t loose my inner peace, my calm, I just smiled and looked at them. But when the strategy unraveled, I felt trapped at first. It took me a lot of energy to just stay there, talking softly, accepting what was going on. Then I realized that they were the one who would grow from the situation, that it had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with them.

A few years earlier, I would have been devastated. Because I know that I will have to face low blows, resentment, and this kind of things… But I am stronger than I was, I am used to deal with their attempts to put me into difficult situations. Thanks to them, I even reinforced my professional ( and probably personal) skills. Each problems asked a research from me to be solved. And I now have skills I didn’t when I began working there. And my other coworkers see me as a reference when it comes to deal with difficult kids, from my former life and my experience as a mother. I proved more than once that I am not a fragile little thing. They threw me through hell, and I came back stronger, each time. My reputation is not to be made now.

The saddest part is that I really don’t care about power or anyone’s approval. I do my job for the kids. I do all I can to make each and every one of them feel good, safe, and to make them love to learn at school. I don’t care about anything else. And I am sure that most of my fellow teachers do their job as I do mine: the best way they can.

So for a while I was set aside. The reason? Perception. I unwillingly question the way some worked. My choices were different, my way of working too. I chose my own way, I didn’t ask them for advice, and I had good results. I don’t think everyone should work the way I do. It’s just the way I feel comfortable with. It suits me. But I didn’t think that I could hurt anyone doing so. Or hurt anyone’s feelings. Because this little war is all about the way they feel. They have low self esteem (they admit it easily) so me doing what I do just make them feel bad. What never was my intent. But them came resentment… and the choice to make me leave or to put me down. Thing is, I fought more than one war in my life, and compared to cancer, my then loved one’s addictions, or the death of my only child, their little game is just that: a game.

And I don’t have to deal with their emotions or perceptions. They are not mine. So I won’t. And I already know that it may only infuriate them… but it’s ok, they will learn to deal with it just as I did. And everything will be fine.

So now that I rambled a lot about the situation that led to my weekly card, here is why I decided to use the word « welcoming ». I realized that in crisis situation, I remained calm. And I went through some crisis, so I could experience it more than once… I have the luck to be able to step back and look at things from a different point of view when needed. Then comes action. Being who I am, it could be rather…. radical. I felt no problems cutting links with anyone who hurt me, or those I love. I felt no shame to say what I felt needed to be said. I could go through a group of people with a smile while I knew they just gossiped about me, or they just despise me. I didn’t care. I still don’t. I learned to protect myself from negativity, and I knew what to do when I felt drained. I am also aware that I have boundaries… they are pretty clear. But once they are exceeded, I tended to aim and hit where it really hurt. Without being able to control the strength of my answer. And I really didn’t like it. So I tended to see my inner strength (or what I called my determination, my will, my warrior self) as a defense tool, as a protection of my softer side. As I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I used to put my armor on, keeping my inner strength contained, which made me feel more frustrated, tense than it should. But it was the price to pay to avoid hurting anyone beyond what they were supposed to handle.

Or so it was. Because these past years, and especially this last one, I worked a lot on the matter. And I now am able to welcome my inner strength fully. Because I know that I have the skills to use it with wisdom. I learned from my mistakes, and I made peace with them. I accepted my tortuous past and the fact that it led me to where I am now in my life. I am now able to step back whenever it’s needed to make the wisest choice. I learned to perceive whether a situation was about myself or about something else. And I learned a lot about myself. I now know not to wait for my boundaries to be exceeded before acting. calmly, peacefully, but strongly. It wasn’t easy… I was so used to the darkness that I had to adjust to the light part of who I am. I looked into philosophies, meditations, spiritualities and they taught me what they had to. Then I kept what was relevant to what I was looking for, and left the rest on the side of the path. It just wasn’t for me, but if anyone would need it, it was there, ready to be used. I learned to find balance.

And this week was a final test, in a way. A few years ago I would have been revolted and devastated. But this time I realized it had nothing to do with me. It was all about a lesson they need to learn. I am just a tool used to help them grow. And I am that tool because I am strong enough to play that part. So I am welcoming my inner strength with gratitude and serenity. I don’t need to arm myself for the war to come. Because there won’t be any war, aside the one that will take place in their mind. It has nothing to do with me. I can go on my path in peace. My inner strength will allow me to go through it unarmed, and I will probably learn some valuable lessons on the way, too. I don’t see it as a defense weapon only anymore. It’s also a beautiful gift. Time for me to use it properly. Time to rise and shine. Time to help others to rise and shine too. This will be an interesting and rich year.