zentangle – Page 2 – Césame et ses états d'âme

inktober tangles day 11: Bravensword

tout seul:

Et avec les motifs précédents:

Rain, Delwhy, Isea-U,
Souk, Molygon, Heartfully, Fluxecho,
Snack, Sumu, Finery et Bravensword

Inktober tangles day 10: finery

Tout seul…

Et avec les autres…

Rain, Delwhy, Isea-U,
Souk, Molygon, Heartfully, Fluxecho,
Snack, Sumu et Finery

Inktober tangles

Drawing tangles is the perfect warming up practice to me. And so, when I saw there was an inktober tangles, how could I resist ? You can find it here. And it exists for years, so you can evenpick another list and do it another month if you want! I grabbed my sketchbook, made boxes to hold them together, and started drawing them. Here are day 1 to 9. I am really enjoying it!

Dessiner des motifs de zentangle est vraiment le parfait échauffement pour moi. Donc lorsque j’ai appris qu’il existait un inktober de zentangle, comment y résister? Vous pouvez le trouver ici. Le challenge existe depuis quelques années, et vous pouvez donc choisir une des listes précédentes pour la faire quand vous voulez! J’ai attrapé mon carnet de croquis, j’ai fait des cases pour les accueillir et j’ai commencé à les dessiner. Voici les jours 1 à 9. Quel plaisir!!

J’édite: après passage au crayon de couleur!

2019 epopee: card #14. I am RESTING in myself.

So my work year has come to an end. And let me tell you, this summer break is more than welcome…. We are under a heat wave here, and working at this temperature was pure hell. Anyway, it’s over, and it means that now is time for me to reflect on the last year and to put closure. I love to do it on my first week of holidays, so that I can then think about the now as well as getting ready for the year to come.

This last year, there was nothing really to understand at work… I took the time to make adjustment when needed. So as soon as I am done cleaning my classroom, and putting away what I bring back home, I will be able to focus on what really changed this year: my views on things.This year, I learned to really let go of what I didn’t need in my life. (And I have to go on this track at home with all my mess !)

I learned to let go of expectations. I don’t expect anything from anyone or anything. I just accept them as they are. I try to avoid being in a position where I need help. I just try to be self sufficient and to go on. The best thing about it, is that I am always happily surprised when I receive something from someone. And when and if I need help nonetheless, well, I know that I will learn a lot from the experience, that I needed to get closer to this person and that we will both learn something. So I am either happily surprised or completely peaceful. No expectations, no stress. I just go with the flow of my life. And if I am uncomfortable with a situation, I ask myself what I can do about it. If it has nothing to do with me, then I let go. If I can do something, then I do it. It’s that simple.

It didn’t came overnight. I had to let go of …. grudges. Arf… I always had a problem with forgiveness (probably something I hold against my catholic education…). I couldn’t understand how people who deeply suffered from a situation could just forgive and forget… And I felt bad not being able to do so while asked to… So I thought I just couldn’t forgive because I was too deeply hurt, and that was ok with me. This was something important to me, my sense of justice. When someone does something bad, hurt or anything, it leaves scars, and you can do whatever you want, scars are still there. Same with emotional pain… So how can you ask someone to forget they are marked for life in their body, in their soul, just because it’s better for them… It felt like hypocrisy to me, and nope, I just couldn’t…. I was gifted with a pretty good memory and I was asked to forget… didn’t seem right to me. Thing is, I forgot about something: time. With time, wounds heals, and scars are not marks of pain anymore. They are marks of strength. Strength to have survived the pain, the trauma, strength to live day after day with their constant reminding of what happened, strength to overcome it. Strength to accept them as part of yourself. Strength to build yourself including them. So during this last year, I had to look back at some events and people who really hurt me. And I realized that they don’t have a place in my life anymore, that they don’t resonate anymore with who I am… And that I didn’t need them anymore, that I didn’t need to feel the way I did about them anymore. And that I was actually didn’t feeling like that anymore. That it was gone, far gone. So I guess it was time for me to cut those ties and to let them go.

By doing so, I freed myself from grudges. Old grudges, and potential ones. I can’t really explain how, or when, but I realized that I don’t hold grudges against anyone anymore. I am either accepting people as they are (which doesn’t mean that I appreciate them, I just co exist with them), or feeling indifferent. I don’t care about drama, I don’t care about their endless rambling about anything. Their life path is different of mine. So if they need to go round and round for a while to learn something they don’t want to, it’s their choice, not mine. I’d rather go forward. If asked I am gladly sharing some of my experiences. If not asked I just let them learn what they need to learn by themselves. I don’t have to charge myself with their anxiety, with their burden. So even when they do try to hurt me, I feel compassionate. Because they just express their struggles, and I can see how painful it is to try to avoid facing yourself. They can’t reach me. I am done with it already and my acts and words speak for themselves. I keep myself safe by being true to myself. And I live in peace. So I traded grudged for compassion. I can feel how hurt they are, how broken they are, and it helps me to step back from any emotional reaction. They are hurt enough. It won’t help them if I reply to their violence with more violence. It will only reassure them on their victim status. I rather smile, and stay silent. They can’t hurt me anymore. Because I am not there with my life anymore.

I chose my fights. Freeing myself from all those potential toxic relationships helped me to step back and to perceive where I would be useful. So I had the luxury to take the time to observe, to analyze interactions and to understand what was really going on. I didn’t cut myself as I used to in the past, protecting myself. I just stepped back and watch, openly. I learned to remain silent instead of interacting. I learned to understand when it had anything to do with me and when it hadn’t. I learned to avoid getting caught in the middle of the mess and when I was directly attacked, I chose to answer peacefully and with assertiveness. As I remained calm, the contrast between us was even more obvious and I didn’t need to go further. I didn’t let their bad vibes get me. I chose to laugh a lot.

I learned to be even more assertive, but in a peaceful way. As I refuse to come into the dance of power, to be part of it, and made it very clear, they couldn’t do anything but watch me being myself. And I decided to stop hiding. I didn’t need to anymore. I just went on with my life, the way I want it to be. I found peace within too. I didn’t have to prove anything to anyone, neither other or even myself. I just had to be. And by doing so, by enjoying being who I am, I found the key to a brand new door ready to be open. And I opened it.

So here I am, in summer break, away from anything negative, with the perspective to enjoy each moment of it, with friends and family to spend time with, and time for me to just rest, learn, create, enjoy, live.

So this week, I spend some time to rest, to enjoy, to contemplate the path already walked, and to look at the beautiful landscape ready for me to explore. And I am fully aware of the luck I have to be where I am in my life. After all, I worked hard to get there and time has come to enjoy.

So this week, I rest in myself.

2019 epopee: card #12. I am the STORM

Sometimes, I spend a long time figuring out what positive affirmation I will use for my weekly card. And sometimes, it’s obvious. This week, everything brought me to pick this line. It may seem a bit awkward to use as it is but, to me, it’s a very positive and inspirational affirmation. But I need to tell you a story first.

So, I was living my everyday life, while people came to me telling me how drained they felt, or tired, or nervous. I, for once, felt really peaceful, rested and anchored. All I felt was serenity actually. So I started to pay more attention to what was going on around me… How come I wasn’t on the same emotional level? I am quite empathetic so I could feel the tension they genuinely felt, the tiredness and there was a huge contrast with my own emotional state. And yes, there was something in the air. it was electrical, windy… a storm was about to burst… As winds were blowing harder, I could feel their effect on people (and trust me, there is a huge effect on kids….), as if the stormy weather reflected on them, or affected them. I, on the other hand, was just watching it, feeling nothing unusual. I love storms, they appease me…. anyway, I was thinking about all this and what I could learn from it when a friend of mine shared this quote:

They whispered to her « You are cannot withstand the storm ».
She whispered back « I am the storm ».

I smiled, and went on with my life, as usual. I know this quote, I encountered it numerous time and it always brings me a smile. I love it. It really reflect what I feel most of the time.

Then I was doing some researches on different subjects (philosophy, anthropology, mythologies, slavic languages, music, zentangle, work things too… anything, really). And all brought me back to the storm. So I took the time to look deeper into what the word ‘storm’ meant to me, how I could relate to it, and how I could use it in my weekly card.

When you think about a storm, the first thing that comes to your mind is this apocalyptic weather that destroys everything. So how can such a disaster be something positive? Well… I have the luck to live with an ongoing storm within. This is why the younger me was known as the ‘apocalyptic one’. With time, I learned to contain it, to express through art, writing, sport, anything really to let the steam get out of my mind and body. But it was still there, within, at the core, boiling. This is my nature. I am passionate. I am determined to achieve what I feel I have to do, whatever obstacle gets on my way, I get rid of it. I am the storm. And I don’t see myself as a disaster. Most of the time haha.

To me storms are energizing. They are pure energy I can collect in order to cleanse, to heal, to empower. Watching storms makes me feel alive. And humble. I love the sound of thunder, lightnings dividing the sky, the sound of rain pouring, the smell of a storm makes me shiver… I never feel more peaceful actually than when I watch a storm raging. I can feel the electricity in the air, which brings me awareness, I can smell the coming rain, I can feel the winds growing like a warning about what is coming. A bit like a ritual to get you ready to face the storm, to get you find a safe place, to get you ready to let go of what you don’t need emotionally as the storm will take it away. When the storms burst, I love to think about it as a balance between my inner stormy self and the world around me. I feel good, energized, in peace, at home. I can really feel their strength, their power, and they inspire me a lot of respect.

So this week, a storm was coming. And at the same time, my attention was drawn to the element air. Wind blew some things on my windshield, I could hear the sound of it at night, very strongly, temperatures dropped drastically for a day because of northern winds, I focused on wind instruments (more than usual), on the sound of breath taking in tunes I love (headphones really helped though), I played whistle with a new energy, focusing on my breath. And I felt good. Really good. It wasn’t only breathing and winds, it also was vibration. The last week, my attention really was focused on vibrations, all kind of vibration. I am really sensitive to drums. It may remind me of thunder. I really feel vibrations as I do with the air just before a storm bursts. My body reacts as if it was touched by it, and attunes itself to the rhythm. The simple sound of drums in a music can lead me to a whole different universe. When I meditate, I have a playlist based on those rhythms and does it take me places and times I never thought to reach! I came to realize that it was it, the vibration, that made me fall in love with storms. My heart beat adjust to it, and that’s why I feel so appeased. Same with music. Drums make me fall in love, deeply. Same with everything. You see, to me, air, through breath, wind and vibrations, is inspiration.

On an even more symbolic way, my creativity can take the form of a storm. No matter the realm it strikes, ideas and words come rushing into paper, or on my computer screen. They just jump in my mind and I do what I can to express them, to materialize them. It’s a mess, they usually have no link between each other, they just need to be put on paper… But it’s always an interesting and learning process to find the message, to try to get some structure, to organize and actually make something out of it. And when I can do it, I really get this feeling of achievement. I love the way it just goes from a complete mess to something appeased, structured, meaningful to me. The rush, the materialization and then the peace. Definitely stormy behavior….

As I said, I have a storm boiling within. Most of the time, I contain it, and it helps me create and react, and everything is fine… But sometimes, when confronted to injustice, or to toxic people, I open a little safe device… and let some of the steam go… I raise my vibration, and get ready for a storm of my own…. I am not afraid to bring chaos if needed. As I said earlier, it feels home. As I am led by empathy and strong values, my energy is focused on unveiling what is really going on, manipulations of any kind of deceiving behaviors, and my determination to do so gets rid of any obstacle… I am the storm.

So yes, to me, storms are powerful masters of creation and truth. As lightnings, my inspiration strikes, unexpected, powerful. This is why I always have something to take notes in my bags. Like storms, ideas collide, expand, burst into reality. As I am really lucky, it can touch different realms of my life. It can be a project for school, it can be something for my apartment, something I need to do, something I want to do, something related to someone else, anything, truly. Then I can make the choice to bring it into reality, or to let it grow within, among other mini storms ready to burst too.

So yes, I am the storm. And I love the paradox I see here: external storms make me feel peaceful, brings me serenity, while internal storms keep shaking me, pushing me further, deeper, higher. And between the two of them, I am standing, enjoying the show.

Épopée 2019: carte n°10. Je suis INDOMPTABLE.

Cette carte fait un peu suite à celle de la semaine dernière (I am fearless).

J’ai toujours eu du mal avec le sentiment d’appartenance. Probablement parce que lors de ma construction, j’évoluais dans un univers auquel je n’appartenais clairement pas. Socialement, philosophiquement, esthétiquement… Bref, pendant mon adolescence, j’étais le mouton noir. Et si je n’ai pas su développer cette compétence sociale, j’ai en revanche beaucoup appris en observant les dynamiques en jeu. Ce qui m’a permis de me construire également. Par défaut peut être, en creux certainement. J’ai pu identifier ce qui ne me définissait pas, ce qui ne me parlait pas, ce qui ne m’attirait pas. C’est certes moins confortable que de se fondre dans le moule, que de se sentir bien parmi ses pairs, mais c’est très formateur.

Et puisque j’ai survécu à ses années sans trop de séquelles (en dehors de celle d’avoir des difficultés à me lier, je n’en vois pas vraiment), j’ai poursuivi mon chemin, peut être plus librement. Je n’ai pas besoin d’appartenir à un groupe, à une idéologie, à une philosophie, pour me sentir exister pleinement. Je n’ai pas à faire allégeance à qui ou à quoi que ce soit pour pour être légitime. Je n’ai rien à revendiquer, puisque pour ce faire, il faudrait que j’attende une validation quelconque. Or je n’attends rien.

J’ai réalisé que j’avais eu beaucoup de chance d’avoir suivi ce cheminement. Je peux me lancer dans toutes sortes d’aventures, de rencontres, d’expériences, je peux échanger sans arrière pensée. Parce que je ne représente que moi. Je peux apporter mes compétences, mes expériences, mes connaissances. Je peux recevoir énormément également. Et puis je peux laisser libre cours à mes envies, les suivre ou non, subvenir à mes besoins. Sans perdre en intégrité.

Si je décide d’agir, c’est que j’en ressens le besoin profond. C’est que je pense pouvoir être utile, même au tout petit niveau qui est le mien. A partir du moment où cette utilité n’est pas évidente à mes yeux, c’est qu’il est temps pour moi d’aller ailleurs, de faire autre chose, de rencontrer d’autres personnes.

Je suis libre de mes choix, de me joindre à une cause, d’en repartir également. Si je décide de joindre mes forces à celles d’autres personnes, c’est que la cause qu’elles défendent résonne en moi. C’est que j’ai pris le temps d’analyser ce qui en était et qu’elle était en accord avec ce qui me fait vibrer. Dès lors, je lance toutes mes forces dans la bataille. Avec sincérité, avec passion. En restant à ma place, à la marge, à la périphérie. J’adhère à une vision des choses, pour autant, je reste critique. Dès qu’on me demande de promouvoir quelque chose qui heurte mes convictions profondes, je me donne le droit de partir, de rejoindre une nouvelle aventure.

Ce qui peut paraitre comme un manque de constance est en fait tout son contraire. En prenant conscience que mon aventure se termine là, parce que je ne me sens plus à ma place, ou parce que je n’ai plus rien à apporter ou à recevoir, je fais preuve d’une constance envers mes principes et les valeurs qui m’animent.

Je reste libre de mes choix, de mes convictions, des batailles que je me décide à mener ou pas. Dès que j’estime que le temps est venu, je reprends ma route prête à livrer une nouvelle bataille, à vivre une nouvelle aventure, ailleurs, avec d’autres personnes, à partager une nouvelle tranche de vie.

J’ai parlé plus haut de constance. Clairement, je ne me lance que si ça résonne en moi, si ça correspond à mes valeurs, si je pense être d’une quelconque utilité, si je pense apprendre quelque chose qui me fera grandir, si mes compétences pourront servir. Dès lors, le temps est très subjectif. Je peux passer beaucoup de temps à défendre une cause, à faire ma part, tout en me laçant dans une nouvelle aventure en parallèle. Je peux également tout plaquer du jour au lendemain. Je peux passer longtemps ‘en sommeil’, au repos, toujours vigilante, les yeux et l’esprit grands ouverts, à faire ce que je dois faire dans le confort de mon quotidien, jusqu’à ce que mes signaux internes me lancent une alerte et que je me mette en action.

Je ne me revendique de rien du tout. Je n’appartiens non plus à rien. Je ne parle et n’agis qu’en mon nom propre. C’est à la fois toute la limite et la force de l’action que je peux mener. mais c’est également un principe de base. Je ne peux appartenir à aucune idéologie, philosophie, ou encore croyance si je veux rester intègre, si je veux exercer mon esprit critique librement, si je veux me rester fidèle. Et j’ai ces valeurs tellement chevillées au corps que je ne peux ni ne veux y renoncer. Et c’est en cela que je suis indomptable. Parce que je peux me mettre en action à tout moment, par mes paroles, par mes actes, par l’activation d’un réseau, par mes mots… parce que je sens que je dois le faire. Rien ni personne n’a la capacité de m’en empêcher. Que ça plaise ou non, si j’estime que je dois agir, je le fais. Et que cette flamme qui m’anime, cette passion, cette détermination, est bien plus constante et forte que tous les obstacles qui peuvent se trouver sur mon chemin. Parce que c’est la rage de vivre qui m’anime. Que l’intégrité et la décence ne peuvent être piétinées sans que ça ne me fasse réagir. Que l’injustice ne peut être ignorée mais être exposée. Que la bêtise et la malhonnêteté ne peuvent être cautionnées, mais qu’au contraire elles doivent être combattues avec acharnement.

Et puis j’ai en moi ce besoin de partager par des mots, par des gribouillages, par des liens, par de la musique ce qui me fait vibrer. Malgré les obstacles qui peuvent se présenter sur mon chemin, je suis toujours parvenue à exprimer les palettes de mes émotions. Rien ni personne n’a jamais réussi à éteindre cette flamme qui brûle en moi. Elle se renforce jour après jour, et je me fais un devoir de la laisser s’exprimer. Je n’ai là encore aucune prétention, aucune ‘légitimité’ institutionnelle. Mais pour autant, je prends la liberté de le faire, parce que j’en ai envie, que ça me fait plaisir et que si mes mots ou mes gribouillages touchent une seule personne, j’aurais accompli ma mission. De même, si en écoutant ou en partageant avec quelqu’un de vive voix j’apporte un peu de réconfort ou de force, de chaleur humaine, j’ai réussi ma journée. C’est ainsi que je compte vivre ma vie.

Alors oui, on peut me dire obstinée, passionnée, difficile à vivre, volcanique, intransigeante, caractérielle, forte, atypique, teigneuse, déterminée, dure, utopiste, idéaliste, inconstante. Je ne le conteste pas. C’est ainsi que me perçoivent certains, à travers le prisme de leur propre expérience de vie. Quant à moi, je préfère me dire que je suis indomptable, libre de choisir mes causes et de lancer toutes mes forces dans la bataille, avant de reprendre ma route. Avec l’assurance que cette flamme qui brûle en moi sera au service de ce en quoi je crois: la vie.