I really had a lot to ponder this last week. A lot of things to understand too. Not just with my brain, but also with my heart. Deep within.
As I already wrote, I don’t really care about what people may think or not about me. It’s not my problem. But it can lead to misunderstanding. People feel the need to give me advices on how I should deal with grief, or how I should live my life now… Thing is, I never asked anything. And I don’t really think they can relate.
I had to face a lot these last 15 years. A lot. And I don’t think I did a bad job staying alive. At first, I just survived, keeping all inside, walking my head up high. I learned to fight for my life, for my safety, for my daughter, even if we knew this last battle was in vain. Still, it was epic, and we had 2 wonderful, magic, out of time years. I am not afraid to fight for or against something if needed. It’s the way I am, it’s what life asked me to do. And I did my duty. I learned to face death, pain, sadness. I am not scared of loosing anything. i already lost everything. And I am still here, which sometimes make me wonder how and why, but well, I guess it’s the way it is…
Still, my life isn’t a bed of roses. But I keep going, and I grow each and everyday while I journey through it.
And people keep giving me advices I didn’t ask for:
» You will be able to have another child ». « Now you can go out and find someone ». « If you want to loose weight, you should do this or that ». « You should die your hair and have a haircut to feel better ». Most of the time, their advices are just the reflexion of their own concerns… But seriously, some were…. inadequate.
I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I made a promise, and I will do what it takes to keep it. This is it.
Life made me know myself pretty well. Wasn’t easy, wasn’t soft. But in my 40s, I am lucky enough to know myself. My weaknesses as well as my strengths, what makes me going on no matter what.
I had to learn to belive in myself, in what makes me the one I am. I grew my own ethics and values. They led me so far, and I guess they are what makes me move forward. Even in the worst times, I kept with them, trying to keep my head up high while all some people wanted is mysurrender to their views.
I have my way of dealing with things. And so far I found I could trust myself to make the choices that needed to be done.
So why should I do it otherwise? I didn’t go and see a consellor to help me cope… And people are shocked, because I really ‘NEED’ to if I want to feel better. Thing is, I certainly feel better than they do. Because I delt with it my own way; writing, drawing, painting, listening and playing music, going to places and really watching them. Feeling the sunon my skin, the air, walking barefoot on the grass. Breathing. Can people just let me do my things the way I want to do them without judging? I am not lost. I go forward. I am not lonely, I have friends and people all over the planet caring for me. I am not the poor little thing. I am one of the luckiest one because I can share, help, care.
As someone I really respect posted earlier today online:
« You will be happy, » said life « but first I’ll make you strong ».
Then I realised: it’s time for me to write a new chapter of my life. I am getting ready for it for some time now… Time to take a first step. I am strong, and despite what people may think or say, I will also be happy. Because it would be the best way to keep my promise.
And yes, I am a little scared at this simple thought…. never say never, they said….
So here is your challenge:
One card a week 38
Quote: « Just because my path is different doesn’t mean I’m lost. »
Here are the rules of the challenge:
- Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
- You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
- The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!
And here is my card