Catégorie : one card a week

When I decided to openly be myself, I thought it would be simple… But I didn’t thought about something: it doesn’t matter who you are, true or not, people will see you through their own filters.

For years, I tried to make myself accepted by taking upon myself and trying to blend. I was clearly asked to do so. So I tried… and let me tell you it took me a lot of energy and patience to do so. I had other battles to fight, more important one.

Then my daughter passed. And I had no reason to pretend anymore, or even to try. I first cut myself from….. everything. Took some time by myself, to focus, to try to understand and accept, to survive. And I had to come back to an apparent life, working, interacting with people. It was something I needed to get prepared to do. Because the one who left to take care of Emma wasn’t the same person who came back. I changed. In fact, I just rediscovered myself, I got back to theone I was before I had to protect her and take care of her wellbeing before everything else.

I only had to take care of myself. In order to do so, I needed to be myself. And to get back to my values, ethics and code. As my whole world changed and crumbled, I needed to define new boundaries, new rules. Most of them dealt with what I could and could not accept from people. First thing was respect. I can handle blunders…. but if they are repeated once, then I call them malice. And that I can’t accept. I can accept misunderstanding, as I am not the simplest one, but not disrespect. My main rule was to be really careful not to harm or hurt anyone, with my words or my behaviour. But I had crystal clear boundaries to. The kind of boundaries you do not want to cross. I made myself really clear on that point.

So I let people deal with that. If they have a problem with me, it’s THEIR problem, not mine. I am in peace with myself, I don’t have anything to prove to anyone, but myself. I have a pretty good understanding of who I am and why I am the one I am… I accept myself as the one I am now.

And lately, I released the last part of what I kept hidden. I just unlock my energy as it truly is, not as they could handle. What a relief!! I felt free again, free to really be myself. Some people noticed I walked a different way, I ‘felt’ a different way. Some probably felt insecure and/or threatened. I let them be and feel the way they did. It’s none of my business. Because I don’t need their approval. As long as I stay true to myself, I know everything will be fine. Their path is not mine. My path isn’t theirs. I let them walk through their life with their own lessons to learn. It’s not my call.

You see, I don’t have time or energy for that… I have a life to live. Fully, truly and deeply.

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 43

Quote: « Not everyone deserves to know the real you. Let them criticize who they think you are. »

Pattern: Cosmic-Flower

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

And here is my card:

Life seems chaotic sometimes. And we feel we are caught in the middle of the battlefield that our mind is.

I like to take several times during my day to pause and try to organise my inner chaos. Usually, it’s pretty efficient, and I no longer feel overwhelmed by my life. I found that I needed these times, these rituals to calm me down, to help me focus and let go of what needs to be.

It goes from taking my breakfast mindfully to go to the gym 3 times a week to cardio train, or to stop by the lake every workday to just witness Nature. I can be journaling, a chat with a friend, doing yoga, enjoying a nice cup of your favorite warm drink waztching the landscape, reading a book, or anything else that brings peace to your mind.

Thing is, sometimes, chaos seems to take over your mind. You feel powerless, watching your inner battlefield bursting into fire… you think you are loosing control you begin to feel overwhelmed…. thing is you are not.

You are just going through a time of change. And chaos is here to help us get rid of what we don’t need anymore and to focus on what really matters. Then we know what we are supposed to do, who we are supposed to do it with, and how we are supposed to do it. Simple, in fact!

You see, you are not thrown in the middle of your battlefield. You watch it. It’s up to you to decide what ou can keep and what you can let go. Chaos is just here to help you choose and focus on what really matters to you. You are in charge… You are the fire that gives life to all this. So burn what needs to be gone, and keep what needs to remain in your warmth. This process can take some time. Take it, it’s worth it! The apparent chaos in your mind will actually makes place for more experiences, more feelings, more memories, and you will then be able to grow. Without it, you are just stuck in your old mind. So take time in your day to just look inside, and make choices. Release what must go, keep what is important to you. Put some order in this brain of yours.

Once you are done with it, take a step back, look at the new lanscape you created in your mind, ordered and peaceful. And smile. you are now ready to some great change in your life. You now know where you are coming from and you can go forward!

 

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 42

Quote: « The best thing you could do is master the chaos in you. You are not thrown into the fire. You are the fire.

Pattern: Floremo

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

And here is my card:

During my life, I had to face what some people may call tragedies. I know far too well physical and psychological pain. I know the different meanings of loss.

Still, I am here, sharing with you my journey through my challenges, alive and kicking. I could have drawn, and to some people, I was entitled to do so. But it’s not in my genes. I wasn’t built this way. When I have to face a problem, I just look right at it, and try to think of a way to get rid of it. In the less painful way possible, without hurting anyone if I can. And I learned this the hard way. Each tragedy in my life made me stronger « what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger » said Nietzche. In my case, he was right. Each tragedy put a new piece on my kevlar/teflon armor. I learned to let go, let it glide on me and just go away, and to shut down my emotions when I face danger. Then I can think properly and act.

See I am not waiting for my knight in shining armor… I am a knight in shining armor myself. And when tragedies are dealt with and gone, I just remove my armor, and live my life as the caring woman I am deep within. Not a princess, as I keep my armor nearby, ready to be put on again if needed.

But I wasn’t that woman my whole life. Luckily, I would say! I had to face some minor tragedies, the regular ones. The one you can face everyday in silence… And those hurt. A lot…. and it took me a long time to just realize that. In fact, I was just coming back from my last battle against fate. I was hurt, but still alive. And I had a hard time getting back on my feet, getting back to myself. I then realised that all those little things, the looks, the rumors, the way people thought about me or my way of raising my kid, all these littles things were like shackles on my feet. Very heavy shackles that prevented me to just get on my feet and go on with my life… As soon as I realised it though, I got rid of them. They were just illusions built by people who don’t mean anything to me, but that I let hurt me.

So here I am, typing these words wearing my bright shining armor, proud of each piece of it, and ready to remove it again, till I have to fight another problem. No fear, no pain, just a smile on my face, because I know that I will either win it, and get another shining piece of armor, or loose it, and learn a lessons as well as getting the new piece… Either way, I win.

And that’s what I love about life.

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 41

Quote:   » Wear your tragedies as armor, not shackles. »

Pattern: Dayz-E-Fleur

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

And here is my card:

If there is something I learned this last year, it’s that when you loose what you thought was everything you had, you actually find the most important: yourself.

When I look at the last 15 years, I realise that everything I took for granted was taken away from me. And that I am still here. Alive. Then I took a deeeper look at what I call my life so far, from my present self. And I realised that everything, each and every choices I made, each and every decisions I took, each and every event I lived brought me here, now, to be the one I am now. It may seem simple and logical. But it goes far deeper than the obvious.

For the first time in decades, if ever, I feel myself. I live my truth. And I am in peace. I had the luck to find my self. So thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that while I thought my whole universe was upside down, while my heart was exploding with pain, while I thought I would never come back to life, I actually came to it. Not back to my old self. I just became ME. I wasn’t falling apart. I was falling into place. I looked at all the little pieces that were left after my whole former life burst, and I gathered them, putting together what is the real, bare, me.

Acceptance was the key as I probably already wrote. Accepting to step forward. Accepting to just be who I am, with my strengths and my weaknesses. Accepting to face what I had to face. Accepting to be held responsible for my choices, and furthermore, accepting to just speak my truth. By doing so, I just scealed the pieces together to make a solid core. Then I held my head high and just made one step, then another. No more fear, no more pain. I look straight, I speak freely. And I am not afraid anymore to show who I really am. Because I have nothing to loose.

So in fact, everythign wasn’t falling apart. Everything just got rid of the useless. Now my soul is at home. I feel I belong at that time, that space. Because I’m making it mine.

And it feels so good to just be free.

 

 

 

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 40

Quote:  » Sometimes when things are falling apart they may actually be falling into place. »

Pattern: clem

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

And here is my card:

 

I really had a lot to ponder this last week. A lot of things to understand too. Not just with my brain, but also with my heart. Deep within.

As I already wrote, I don’t really care about what people may think or not about me. It’s not my problem. But it can lead to misunderstanding. People feel the need to give me advices on how I should deal with grief, or how I should live my life now… Thing is, I never asked anything. And I don’t really think they can relate.

I had to face a lot these last 15 years. A lot. And I don’t think I did a bad job staying alive. At first, I just survived, keeping all inside, walking my head up high. I learned to fight for my life, for my safety, for my daughter, even if we knew this last battle was in vain. Still, it was epic, and we had 2 wonderful, magic, out of time years. I am not afraid to fight for or against something if needed. It’s the way I am, it’s what life asked me to do. And I did my duty. I learned to face death, pain, sadness. I am not scared of loosing anything. i already lost everything. And I am still here, which sometimes make me wonder how and why, but well, I guess it’s the way it is…

Still, my life isn’t a bed of roses. But I keep going, and I grow each and everyday while I journey through it.

And people keep giving me advices I didn’t ask for:

 » You will be able to have another child ». « Now you can go out and find someone ». « If you want to loose weight, you should do this or that ». « You should die your hair and have a haircut to feel better ». Most of the time, their advices are just the reflexion of their own concerns… But seriously, some were…. inadequate.

I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. I made a promise, and I will do what it takes to keep it. This is it.

Life made me know myself pretty well. Wasn’t easy, wasn’t soft. But in my 40s, I am lucky enough to know myself. My weaknesses as well as my strengths, what makes me going on no matter what.

I had to learn to belive in myself, in what makes me the one I am. I grew my own ethics and values. They led me so far, and I guess they are what makes me move forward. Even in the worst times, I kept with them, trying to keep my head up high while all some people wanted is mysurrender to their views.

I have my way of dealing with things. And so far I found I could trust myself to make the choices that needed to be done.

So why should I do it otherwise? I didn’t go and see a consellor to help me cope… And people are shocked, because I really ‘NEED’ to if I want to feel better. Thing is, I certainly feel better than they do. Because I delt with it my own way; writing, drawing, painting, listening and playing music, going to places and really watching them. Feeling the sunon my skin, the air, walking barefoot on the grass. Breathing. Can people just let me do my things the way I want to do them without judging? I am not lost. I go forward. I am not lonely, I have friends and people all over the planet caring for me. I am not the poor little thing. I am one of the luckiest one because I can share, help, care.

 

As someone I really respect posted earlier today online:

« You will be happy, » said life « but first I’ll make you strong ».

Then I realised: it’s time for me to write a new chapter of my life. I am getting ready for it for some time now… Time to take a first step. I am strong, and despite what people may think or say, I will also be happy. Because it would be the best way to keep my promise.

And yes, I am a little scared at this simple thought…. never say never, they said….

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 38

Quote: « Just because my path is different doesn’t mean I’m lost. »

Pattern: gra-vee

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

 

And here is my card

 

Sometimes we need to have a look at what surrounds us to feel that we are part of it, that we belong to this place, this time. I call that a moment of eternity. This deep feeling that everything is where it’s supposed to be, how it’s supposed to be. It doesn’t matter what happened or what will occur. Right now, right here, we feel we belong.

I often felt out of place when I was younger. Then I realised that if there is no place for me to feel good, it was because I just had to create my own place. Nevertheless, it was just recently I decided to actually do it. To just stop trying to belong to something I can’t relate to and to walk my own path. Those who know me weren’t really surprised, but to me, it was something I NEEDED to do if I wanted to feel alive again. So one morning, I decided this was the first one of the rest of my life. Nothing really changed in fact: I was still living at the same address, still working in the same school, still doing what I used to do before that. What changed is the way I saw and lived it.

Friends told me I changed. I walked in a different way, my whole attitude was shifting, from the ‘regular me’ to someone else. I was still me but a different one that they used to perceive. I smiled. What they call the ‘regular me’ what just the part of me I wanted them to see, the one I felt acceptable to show. What they see now it just… plain old me.

I won’t hide anymore. I freed myself from the perceptions people may or may not have of me. It’s time for me to stop trying being someone they would accept as the ‘regular me’. It almost killed me spiritually to try to be that person. It almost killed this little spark I carry within. Now I let it shine fully, proudly, and I must say that it feels really good just to think that we are part of the universe, and that we should be proud of that simple thought.

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 37

Quote: « The sun is a daily reminder that we too can rise from the darkness, that we too can shine our own light. »

Pattern: joki

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

 

And here is my card

 

As I was typing this post, I looked outside…. and here is the response I received:

It feels really good to be where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be

One of the things I really wanted to understand and upgrade this past summer is my relation to people around me. We live in a very competitive society. I am lucky, really lucky: I just don’t understand competition. I just don’t get it. I never did (to my dad’s despair). it’s not that I can’t handle pressure. I do really good under pressure. I may even do my best then. But I just don’t care about putting myself willingfully into this situation.

The more I am left alone, the best I am. If I feel motivated to do something, I will probaby succeed. But I just won’t put myself in a position to be in competition with someone. I will succeed because I want to do it, and I need, probably to do it.

When in highschool, I did all I could not to be sent in the scientific class. And I really mean all I could. My grades were so bad in physics and biology that they had no choice but to send me in the economics class. Which suited me well. I wanted to go to University anyway (and lucky me, I live in France where you just had to have your baccalaureat to go there (it’s a degree you get to celebrate the end of highschool). I didn’t like the way teachers pushed to be the best and so on during my senior year…. So my grades were just…. realy, really bad. it didn’t matter, as what mattered was the final exam… And I had pretty good grades at it… so I could go to University.

I have a master degree in medieval History…. And y last year was the best one. I was sent in Spain to do researches and write my thesis…. 800km from home. Alone. I had to transcript and translate testaments written 500 years ago and write 150 pages on them. I also had to read books in catalan (never studied it), spanish, english and french (but this last one was easy, as I am french…). Oh, and testaments were obviously written in latin (only took 2 years of it….) and in a medieval cursive…. something like that:

You feel the challenge??? I just LOVED that year. And I had a A+ to my thesis. As I said, leave me alone, give me a challenge and let me have fun.

When I decided to take the competitive exam to be a school teacher, I had a newborn baby, worked full time…. ut you know what? I passed. Because I needed to provide for my child. I worked as uch as I could. I did my best. I couldn’t do more, so when the day to take the tests came, I was in peace. No pressure. I couldn’t have done more. So peace of mind, and I took one day at a time, one test at a time.

As a matter of fact, when I decide to learn something, I just dive into it. And learn. Grow.

At work, I just do all I can for the kids I teach. I try to quickly understand who tehy are and what motivates them. My goal isn’t to have them compete. My goal is to make them discover empathy, to have them help each other because they can. And you now what? They are pretty good at that and their grades are really reflecting it. They want to learn to read because then they can read stories to each other. They are eager to learn to write so that they can write their own stories. They can’t wait to do maths, to learn about the world, because they are curious of what surrounds them. And empathy is a huge thing.

They learn that they can be good at something, really good even, and just share their enthousiasm with their friends.

I teach them that you can be really good and happy. You just don’t need to compare yourself to others. Because you are one of a kind. And with this simple thought comes self esteem. No pressure, just a discovery of our own potential. Something that doesn’t depend on someone else but us. We are all able to do great things (and sometimes, those great things are tiny things…. like caring for each other, respecting each other….).

And you know what, after a few weeks, these seeds become beautiful blooming flowers.

To me, this is realy close to be truly happy.

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 35

Quote: « A flower does not think of competing to the flower next to it. It just blooms. »

Pattern: FOF

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

 

And here is my card

On our journey, we all have to face challenges. What we make of these experiences is up to us. We can just face them, and go on, or we can learn from them.

I had my share of challenges. But when I think about them, I realise that they are the reason I am the one I am now. They helped me grow, they helped me understand who I was at the time. I know I will have to face many other challenges and I know I will go on growing thanks to them.

This simple thought helps me take each day as it comes. I am not scared, I am not anxious. I just welcome what may come. I know I will learn something. I know I will grow. It will change my view on some little thing or it will change my whole self. If I can’t change the fact that I will have to go through hard times or experiences, at least I can decide to grow from them. And I am happy and grateful to be able to live this journey.

So here is your challenge:

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One card a week 35

Quote: « Grow through what you go through. »

Pattern: dark drops

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Here are the rules of the challenge:

• Each thursday, I’ll give you a quote and a pattern to play with. You can use both, you can use only one of them, it’s up to you.
• You have till the next wednesday to make your card and share it with us in the facebook group (just ask to be added, and I will open the doors wide open to you )
• The goal of this challenge it just to offer yourself a time to have fun with pens and cards, to ponder on words, to enjoy a ME time. We tend to forget about ourselves so easily! And sharing is such a beautiful thing to experiment in our life!

 

And here is my card